


Slip and Slide

by Professor_Fluffy



Category: Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-24
Updated: 2012-06-24
Packaged: 2017-11-08 10:45:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/442366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Professor_Fluffy/pseuds/Professor_Fluffy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short crack fic centering on Tony's magical ability to find lube <i>everywhere.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Slip and Slide

**Author's Note:**

> Crack Fic Explanation: 
> 
> I was at game night last night, and I was discussing one of my pet-peeves in m/m fanfic.  
> (Which, admittedly, includes my own, when I don't check myself.) 
> 
> In some fics, the characters have an almost magical ability to find lube in the most bizarre situations and environments, It's more believable when Tony Stark is involved, because he is a playboy, but even Tony's ability to find lube has its limits. And poor Steve, I doubt he woke up seventy years in the future, and immediately requested Fury send Coulson to the nearest Ma and Pa drugstore for an industrial sized bottle of lube. 
> 
> The discussion quickly devolved into jokes about Tony putting lube dispensers in his armor, and I said I was going to write something. So... um, I'm very sorry. :)

Steve has noticed, it the course of their relationship, that Tony finds lube in the oddest fucking places.

It starts one morning, as things get heated against the kitchen counter of the Hilton suite. And, ok, maybe they provide Tony Stark with complementary KY, he is Tony Stark. 

But then there’s the quinjet. Who keeps lube in the first aid kit on a quinjet? That’s definitely not standard S.H.I.E.L.D. protocol. _Please_ , Steve thinks fervently, don’t let that be standard S.H.I.L.D. protocol. 

Then they’re caught in an avalanche, buried under fifteen feet of snow and ice, somewhere in the heart of Russia. Tony whips out a bottle of Durex Play Warmer, quirks an eyebrow, and says, “baby, it’s cold outside.” _Ok, this is getting ridiculous._

Next they destroy a slew of doombots swarming the base of Mt. Everest. When they stumble back to base, Tony pulls a bottle of Aqualube out of his parka with a suggestive wink. _And, just, what the hell?_

They’re fooling around in one of the science labs at Harvard. Tony fumbles in a drawer, grabbing an industrial sized container of Vaseline. _This has gone too far_ , Steve thinks. But then Tony flexes against him, shoving him up against the nearest wall, and he’s no longer thinking anything coherent. That seems to happen an awful lot where Tony Stark is concerned.

“Do you ever not carry an emergency bottle of slick with you?” Steve asks, with an exasperated snort. Tony fumbles at Steve’s utility belt, pressing him against the wall of an old, abandoned warehouse. Then Tony is lubing his fingers with a personal sized bottle of Astroglide. When did he have time to sneak that into Steve’s belt, _seriously?_

Tony’s eyes take on a speculative gleam.

“Whatever you’re thinking, the answer is no.” Steve frowns.

Steve and Tony have a commitment ceremony somewhere outside of Budapest. Tony decides to fly them to Paris for a short honeymoon; via Air Iron Man. Steve is going to scream if he has to listen to one more AC/DC song. Tony sets him down on the balcony of the honeymoon suite at the Ritz Paris, and advances with a predatory glide through the French doors. Steve follows in his wake.

“Let me guess,” Steve deadpans. “Complementary gift basket with ten different varieties of lube?”

Tony turns his head, and looks at Steve through the faceplate. The eyes glow unnervingly in the dark hotel room. The Iron Man suit makes a hissing noise, and two auxiliary compartments located in the shoulders slide open with a snick. Each compartment contains five different brands of lube and a selection of condoms. 

“Tony, this is getting ridiculous.”

The faceplate snaps open, and Tony grins, “I was bored. Better than blasting more holes in the wall.”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“I call this suit The Sex Machine.”

“Of course you do.”

Tony quirked an eyebrow, “The fingers are porous, and self-lubricating.”

“Is this really what you do with your free time?”

“Hey, this is the third modification, the first suit sprayed lube from the gauntlets, but it was a little messy.”

“Why did I marry you?”

“My ingenuity, and fine sense of adventure?”

Yeah, something like that.

Steve stepped into Tony’s personal space, until they were nose to nose.

Tony smiled and leaned forward.

Steve hit the release on Tony’s faceplate. “Not until you put the armor away,” he scolded, walking into the bathroom, and slamming the door behind him, as Tony sputtered indignantly. 

Steve looked at the little bottles on the counter in disbelief, complementary shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and KY for Him.

“DAMN IT TONY!”


End file.
